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Saturday, December 29, 2007

Lonely...

I recently went out with some girlfriends for the first time in almost a year. Like the first time of having like real girlfriend time in more than 12 months... It was fun to catch up with women who I used to be so very close to but then as our kids drifted (they are different ages involved in different things) so did we. After that evening, I realized how much of a homebody-loner I have become. I live quite the boring life-I think, it seems the most I do now is run carpools and strive to have my girls in bed by 7:30...I am usually jammied up and ready for bed then myself...
I, also, discovered that I am not a very fun person...I would much rather do nothing than initiate some great event...ie girls night out, dinner parties and the likes. Don't get me wrong, I love(d) people to come over and feel at home and hang out and waste time with me, I have just fallen out of the deep-committed-girl-friend routine that was me for so many years. I have become complacent and satisfied with merely existing. I really need to work on motivation, I kind of lost all sense of self last (school) year following my lymphoma diagnosis and year of scholastic hell I put myself through trying to flee from myself so I could find myself...I wonder what I was thinking.
FYI, I am not in some deep depression or hating my life, by any means...I am just realizing where I was and where I am and discerning where I want to go...I have been in a fog/survival/fearful-of-leaving-my-girls-before-I-was-ready...so-what-do-I-do-about-it-mode--It is quite paralyzing. Now, I am privileged to be co-creating with God another new life and have the honor of choosing to exude Christ to this new little soul...that is exciting to me. (Minus the waking up 10 times to pee, and chronic fatigue that comes with it)
I am going to tuck my girls in (way too late, they are starting to slur their speech) and go to bed myself and pray that I am living life in a pleasing way that would look different and cause people to question my motives...
Crazy Pregnant Person I am...now there is proof of how crazy I really am...hopefully I haven't scared any of the few readers that linger here.
Good night.

1 comments:

Becky @ Boys Rule My Life said...

I started to post a comment about "just existing" a few months back. I deleted it though because I didn't want to sound depressed, but now after reading your words, I know that most everyone probably goes through that. Especially with little ones and a baby on the way. I know there have been moments where it's tough to just get to the next moment. I can't imagine what you are going through, though. Just know that even though I'm a "new" friend, I'm here to listen. That's the great thing about blogging - you can get it out of your system and find support where you never thought.

Here's to a better tomorrow! :)