Monday, March 12, 2007

Who Am I?

I have been in the most disturbing disposition lately. Maybe it was that we have only had 3 fever-free days in about 5 weeks, or that we had a few cold, yucky, wet, YOU-CAN'T-MAKE-ME-LEAVE-MY-P.J.'S, or the giant mess that came with being so sick. Who knows, I am still trying to figure it out. Whichever excuse I pick, while the children are bickering and tired of the walls around them, as they struggle to shake the stomach bug, the flu, nasty Augusta allergies, ear-infections, sinus infections, bronchial virus--yesterday after church, I just could not take one more moment.

I had been hearing and contributing to the whining, crying, screaming and chaos in our home.

I tried HARD!!! to have a thankful heart about modern commodities such as running water--to wash all the throw-up pillows, comforters, nightgowns, stuffed animals, shoes, walls, cracks in the hardwood floors; the medicine to treat the coughs, fevers, aches, infections of various origins; the doctors who were treating all five of us at differing times; my neighbors who so very willingly served me while I was AFRAID TO CLOSE MY EYES, they just stepped right in and took me to my Dr., watched my girls, fed, clothed and snuggled them for the 8 or so days when I just couldn't; my husband who even while sick still worked both of his jobs to provide for us and spent his free time watching me breath....still with all these things to be so very grateful
for. (And, my socks were blessed right off).

Something in my heart was just dying a huge piece was missing. (No, it wasn't the Jesus shaped piece.) I forgot the biggest blessing in my life, just shy of my salvation, God then gently showed me.

It happened last night, I drank a diet coke after 1PM and couldn't sleep, I was blog hopping and found a very beautiful spot and spent half-an-hour reading. The spot I found was created by a lady who has spent many years of her life (with her husband, of course) pleading and begging the Father for a child. She and her husband have grown a Snugglebug in their hearts because her womb just couldn't and are soon going to begin tilling the soil of their hearts to seek another 'wanted' child.
And, this my friend was my problem...I have three precious souls in my tender care and I have been treating them like the couch or the dusty coffee table, maybe even the puked on toilet or snotted up pillowcase. The Lord gave me three miracles-Emmabug, Julianna (Nanna Kat), and Molly-moo and I have spent the last 5 weeks of my life being selfish, childish and altogether rotten in my words, thoughts and deeds.

I had lost all gratefulness for my children! How did this happen I don't know but I was literally heartbroken when I figured it out.

I am eternally grateful for the attitude adjustment and the redemption I sought while reading your page, Overwhelmed with Joy. I admire your desire for children and ask forgiveness for taking for granted what you are begging for-- LIFE, whether grown in your womb or in your heart, God gifts us the miracle, however, He sees fit. It has just taken you and your open heart for me to get back in shape.

And as all three of my chickadee's would say:

( ; ) yes, it's supposed to be backwards)


Amydeanne said...

sounds like a rough week! I've had/and I'm sure will have a few more of those myself.
I'll be praying for some healing in your family!

btw, thanks for offering your van!! Very nice of you!! :)

lringel said...

I hate it when you're right.

blackpurl said...

gratefulness is a spiritual discipline some days!